On Depression
08/05/15 23:05 Filed in: Depression | Personal
A blog post where I talk a little about depression and my battle with it. [UPDATED 10/04/2016]
I first started noticeably suffering from depression at the age of around 11, probably triggered by puberty. I was put onto medication for a very short spell, but the doctors didn't like having someone so young on antidepressants so I was taken off of them. However at the age of sixteen it got much worse to the point of holding a knife to my wrist, this event coupled with the fact that my mother had had nervous breakdowns when she was younger and recognised in me the signs that I too was on the brink of one myself, meant that I had to go back on antidepressants.
If you suffer from depression remember you are not alone, 350 million people in the world have it, nearly one in five UK adults and these include faces you may recognise (who have or have had it), such as Hollywood stars Owen Wilson, David Arquette, Gwyneth Paltrow and the British actress Michelle Ryan.
Depression is invisible so people without it don't understand how bad it is, but it can be just as debilitating as a physical illness and now it's not as invisible as it previously was as doctors can now see it with a brain scan, they have found that the part of the brain called the hippocampus physically shrinks when people have depression. The Amygdala also behaves differently with scans showing that the brain of someone with depression exaggerates negative things it sees and experiences.
YET, still with all the physical evidence we now have newspapers are still saying "Depression is the new black" and questioning if depression even exists.
I stayed on the antidepressants (Venlafaxine) till just before my twenty-ninth birthday when I decided to take it upon myself to stop them. My reason for doing so was that I felt they were making me sleep all hours of the day and I had become very lethargic. Prior to taking the pills I used to walk great distances each day, but once I started taking the medication this slowly stopped and I became sleepy all the time, once even sleeping from 10 PM one day till 10 PM the next, a whole 24 hours. So in short I wanted a chance at having some kind of a life back and also I was more than fed-up of relying on them.
So what has changed off of the pills? Well, it will take time for my sleeping to fully turn around after all those years. However, I do wake earlier and I can get up much easier now. How do I feel mentally? As I probably always will, since I suffer from hereditary depression, nothing is ever good enough for me, no matter what changes, no matter what I do. Sometimes I feel like I am I the fattest, ugliest man in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have wasted my entire life and accomplished nothing, yet at the same time I know I did four years of college and three of university (graduating with a BA with Honours), which is something not everyone can say. I will be thirty before too long and yet I am unmarried, (as pathetic as it may sound) something I have dreamt of since I was a teenager. But at least these are my own thoughts, not something clouded by medication and at least I'm awake.
[UPDATE 14/10/2015]
Initially, I didn’t feel too bad, in fact, I didn’t really feel very different at all. But then about six to seven months later in September, just when I thought that there wasn’t much of a change at all I started to feel the worst I’ve probably ever felt in my life. I have begun being unable to sleep despite feeling tired and having sore tired eyes.
All I could think about was the things that are wrong in my life and the opportunities I’d missed. I would go downstairs into the living room and try to take my mind off it, by listening to music or browsing the net. Nothing seemed to work.
I now put this taking so long to affect me down to the fact that I’ve now read that it can take months or even years to get the medication completely out of your system and to stop having withdraws.
I even laid in bed one morning unable to sleep and started crying uncontrollably. The trigger? I had read a news article about a single mother who had been murdered (Kay Diamond) and then her 16-year-old daughter had committed suicide (Rachelle Owen). I couldn’t stop thinking about how smart they had both sounded and what a bright future the girl had had and now wouldn’t, how she wouldn't go to college or university like I did and how she would never fall in love and marry and I wished I could have swapped places with her and given her another chance.
This is odd for me as I do not cry easily, I am not naturally an emotional person nor am I the kind of person to easily be affected by things he reads or watches on TV etc.
In desperation, I even tried contacting an old crush I had had in college on Facebook and Twitter. However after a week of being ignored, despite my best efforts she finally replied to ask me to stop contacting her. This is not necessarily a completely bad thing, as even though at the time this just made me feel even worse about myself I can at least now put her from my mind forever.
Because I no longer care about her after she did that to me. She had to have seen my tweets about how bad I was suffering from my depression and clearly I just needed someone outside my family to talk to, yet she would have nothing to do with me. I know that was her right, I know you shouldn’t be forced to have something to do with someone you don’t like. But it’s known as being a good samaritan and she wasn’t. What she did could have thrown be over the edge and I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive her for that.
I kept feeling worse and worse all month long, not helped by the fact that I don’t feel anyone in my family understands just how bad I can feel it sometimes. Many days that month I felt like ending it, I felt like walking out the door and never coming back. But ultimately no-one has to worry about that as I’m a coward and I will never have the guts to go through with anything like that.
As well as taking an interest in the Diamond/Owen case I’ve also been reading a book called Why Ben? By Brooke Kinsella, a former EastEnders actress who had her 16-year-old brother stabbed to death in 2008 and both of these cases make me think, what right do I have to kill myself when there are so many people out there who wanted to live but through no fault of their own cannot.
[UPDATE 04/01/2016]
I have just watched a fascinating documentary from 2006 called 'Stephen Fry: The Secret Life Of The Manic Depressive'. Manic depression being Bipolar disorder and no I have not been diagnosed with Bipolar, in fact, the doctors have given me no label, except to say that I have depression and I don't think I have bipolar, although my mum may fit into that category. But it did open my eyes on one aspect of my depression. In the documentary Stephen Fry met with a Bipolar woman who often feels when she goes out like people are staring at her or following her. No, I have never felt like someone was following me, but often when I go out I feel like people are staring at me like I am a freak or the fattest and ugliest man they have ever seen. When I was in college I often convinced myself that girls, as they passed me, were sniggering to each other about me because I am so hideous.
There was even a girl who I had a crush on there, who couldn't have been more than about 17 or 18 at the time. I even added her as a friend on Facebook. But as she passed me she would giggle to her friend and I now put this more down to either her giggling about something else completely or even that maybe just maybe she did like me back and it was nothing more than a childish or nervous giggle.
However at the time, I was convinced that she was laughing at me and so confided in both my brother and mother. My brother who was also at the same college and had seen it agreed and to rub salt into the wound told me that no girl especially one as good looking as her would ever be interested in me.
My mother wasn't as blunt or as rude but agreed with my brother that I should remove her as a friend on Facebook and I did.
My mum meant no harm, but it was then that it finally sunk in just how repulsive I must actually be when my own mother had not attempted to deny that she was sniggering at me, hadn't tried to lift my spirits and tell me that I was mistaken and maybe she did like me. My mother's silence spoke volumes and I haven't tried to date anyone since.
The documentary was definitely worth watching as I had not really known for sure before that the mild paranoia I sometimes get is probably caused by my depression.
I have been dreading my big 30th birthday (4th March) as I feel I have thrown away the best years of my life and the closer I get to that date the more I find it hard to face, the more I dread it, then one day it just clicked with me what I could do to turn it around. I could instead of receiving birthday presents from friends and family set up a JustGiving page and ask for donations to a charity (I picked Cancer Research UK) and of course, even people online who don't know me could donate. So, at least, something good could come of it.
But this like everything I try to do has failed spectacularly. Out of 800+ followers on Twitter and 200+ "friends" on Facebook, only five people besides my family have even bothered to share the link to it on their social media accounts. The money goes straight to JustGiving who pass it on to CRUK, the money doesn't pass through my hands at all and I get nothing from it and yet you would think I was asking for the blood of their first born, not just a charitable website link shared.
I have shared the link with friends on Facebook, countless followers on Twitter and in a desperate attempt to get it noticed AT ALL I shared it with quite a few actors and actresses on Twitter (only one shared it). So this attempt at doing something good really sums up my entire life, one big failure!
[UPDATE 15/01/2016]
I've just watched a documentary from 2013 by the BBC called 'The Truth about Depression'.
The thing I found most interesting was the fact that doctors can now see depression with a brain scan, they have found that the part of the brain called the hippocampus physically shrinks when people have depression. The Amygdala also behaves differently with scans showing that the brain of someone with depression exaggerates negative things it sees and experiences.
YET, still with all this physical evidence we now have newspapers still saying "Depression is the new black" and questioning if depression even exists.
[UPDATE 16/01/2016]
Over the last few days, I'd started to feel like I did in September/October. Then this morning I laid in bed trying to get off, but like on most days in Sep/Oct, I couldn't sleep. I got up, went downstairs and put on some music. As I listened to it my mind started to wonder even more. I started to think about my life, the things that were wrong with it and the missed opportunities. I had begun wondering about my very first crush and what had become of her.
When I was 16 for the first time in my life I noticed a girl, although I had known her since I was about 12. This was when I was at high school in the highlands of Scotland. She was about a year and a half to two years (she was born in '84) older than me and was a prefect (in fact, the head girl). What I noticed about her first was not her great beauty, although she was very attractive or what some may even call "hot" and it wasn't her exquisite golden hair and very big blue eyes, it was how nice and friendly she was and her lovely smile.
When it nearly came time for her to leave secondary school and go to a university in Edinburgh to one day be a lawyer I knew I could wait no longer, I couldn't bear to let her go without having even tried, so I as a teacher's pet came up with a plan involving not one but two teachers as an excuse for us to talk.
One morning I had arranged for her teacher during the morning register to send her on an errand to fetch me as the teacher so called needed to talk to me, then when she arrived and asked for me I had to walk her back slowly. It was a cunning plan that up to that pointed worked. We talked as we walked from a classroom that was in an outbuilding to the main building. I still swear to this day that she (not just her blonde hair) glowed like an angel in the sunlight. As we neared her classroom I asked her if she would like to go out for lunch. She very politely declined saying she already had other plans. She was so kind about it and only she could ever make a rejection seems to so nice. After making some inquiries, I learnt that she already had a boyfriend. I still think that emotionally the hardest thing I've ever done was go back to that school after she'd left. Somehow the hallways seemed duller and colder without her there. It was almost like her beautiful golden hair had lit up the hallways as she passed through them.
Now I have told the backstory back to the present. With feeling depressed, I started to wonder today whatever had happened to her. Did she go as planned to Edinburgh to be a lawyer? Was she now married? Children?
I found her Facebook page, she indeed lives in Edinburgh and is a lawyer. She married in (I think) 2009 (however not to the man she was with in 2002) and she has two young children.
Did seeing this put my mind to rest at last? It should have and it is not at all surprising that she is married with children now as I am nearly 30 and she was about two years older. But it made me feel much more depressed than I have ever felt in my life and that is saying something. It made me miss having a wife and family of my own even more. Some men aspire to be famous or rich, all I ever wanted from life was to find my one true love and marry her and I couldn't even have that. What did I ever do to deserve this bad life I have?
I looked through her Facebook photos wondering 'what ifs', what if she hadn't had a boyfriend at that time? Had she been single would she had said yes to me that day? She really seemed to like me. If so, would she now have been my wife, could those have been my wedding photos, my children?
Perhaps the worst feeling I got from all this is actually that I feel relieved for her, I really feel she had a lucky escape from me.
The one good thing that came from this is remembering how I got the teachers to help to try to bring us together made me smile, looking back on it that bit, at least, seems so funny. It really brought a smile to my face.
I am glad that for those few years at high school I knew her, she was a very nice person and I hope she still after all these years considers me an old friend.
In other news, my charity fundraiser is now at 30% (£30) of my minimum goal of £100.
[UPDATE 17/01/2016]
Had another sleepless night, kept thinking how things could have been different. The wife and family I never had and probably never will now. I normally am quite straight faced and don't cry easily. But this morning I started crying as I laid in bed. It was uncontrollable and lasted about 20 minutes.
[UPDATE 18/01/2016]
Again yet another sleepless night, even crying a lot again. Is this the norm now? About two months of misery then a couple not too bad then repeat?
[UPDATE 21/01/2016]
Seventh day not sleeping. Although I do get off eventually, normally at around noon when my sore eyes can take no more. Even then sometimes with sore eyes my mind still races.
[UPDATE 21/01/2016]b
You would think at least others with depression might somewhat understand it, but no no-one does, I get told things like "Just f**king stop, I've got enough of my own problems" and "If you went out and got more sunshine you'd be fine" or "If you get a job you'd feel better". I get no consideration whatsoever, I get treated like a nuisance and an encumbrance. Since sometimes I sleep all hours of the day I asked a family member to get me up when they get up in the morning, but they didn't as they couldn't bear to have me up "moaning" any more than they have to. Yet, they complain about my sleeping patterns.
Well, not being able to talk about it or get it off my chest doesn't help. Sunshine has little to do with it as my depression didn't start in 2014 when I left university, I've had it since mainly 16 but technically 11/12 and when I was 16 I was going for long walks in the Highlands of Scotland every day.
Being unemployed has nothing to do with it whatsoever. For the most part, of suffering from this, I have been in full-time education. It started when I was in high school and I continued to have it in college and university and full-time education is like a job before a job, also for two years I was volunteering for a charitable bookshop.
It is basically a malfunction of my brain, I have not asked for this and I have NOT done it to myself nor am I exaggerating. Nobody unless they have depression can ever fully understand how frustrated and alone you feel with it.
[UPDATE 04/02/2016]
I was feeling a bit nostalgic with 30th coming up and decided to send Facebook friend requests to a couple of people who were in some classes with me at high school. Both declined. That really sums up how highly I am thought of. Because surly even if you weren't best friends with someone in school you would still accept a friend request from them wouldn't you? But I guess that is how little I'm thought of.
Fundraiser update: The fundraiser ends in one month (last day is 4th March) and it is currently at 51% of my minimum goal of £100.
[UPDATE 15/02/2016]
This is an update for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it was Valentine's Day yesterday and for me who has always been so romantic, yet am single it was a bit depressing. However, it was not one of my worse days. I also decided it was a woman I like's last chance to tell me if she had changed her mind and was interested. I didn't contact her myself as I have tried that more than enough, but I made hints on Twitter. It was not the person from high school, as I've already said she is married with children, it was someone more recently.
Anyway, the person I am writing about did not contact me in any way. Let's face it this is the 21st century a woman can, of course, contact a man, especially after he has already made the first move. Plus I don't really want to "go out" with her at the moment anyway, not with the bad place my mind is in currently. I just would have really appreciated her friendship and some hope that that would have given me. So I have now decided she never will be interested, I must move on and try to finally forget about her if I can. I have told myself this before, but it is final this time. No more looking at her social media profiles, nothing. After trying off and on for a few months it is time to admit enough is enough. I'm not doing either of us any favours. If she is interested at all or changes her mind she can contact me or follow me on Twitter etc any time.
Secondly my sleeping as I've mentioned in this blog post got bad about a year or two after going on antidepressants at the age of 16. I started to sleep ridiculous hours, at least, 12 a night. When I came off pills just before my 29th birthday last year my sleeping started to improve for a while. But then it went back to being bad again. So, I thought maybe my sleeping improving was just the initial withdraws from coming off the pills. Maybe all along I was unfairly blaming my antidepressants for my sleeping and it was just me. However, about two weeks ago I ran out of my normal multivitamins and bought some more. But, this time, I got some which also included iron in each tablet. Almost instantly I started waking up each day after having had the normal 7-8 hours of sleep. Family members also notice I had become much less dark around the eyes. It seems all this with my sleeping was because I was lacking iron in my blood.
Because of the timing of it starting not long after starting my pills I looked up my antidepressants and iron deficiency in Google and found that quite a lot of people who have taken Venlafaxine start suffering from iron deficiency anaemia, especially those who have taken it for 2+ years.
The one big question I have here is, why did the doctors not know I had this problem? In about 2010 whilst I was at college I started suffering from bad dizziness. I went to the GP about it and they gave me, at least, three big blood tests, all they found was that I was a bit low on calcium.
I am now thinking they didn't test my iron levels, yet iron deficiency is very common all over the world and the medication I was on at the time can cause it. Plus dizziness and fatigue are two symptoms of iron deficiency.
So, I do personally recommend if you are on antidepressants and are suffering fatigue you have your iron checked, but anyway, at least at long last, I'm sleeping normally.
[UPDATE 16/02/2016]
WOW! I sent a friend request to my former high school crush, just to catch-up etc and not only did she not accept it but it looks like she has blocked me. Really? Am I THAT unlikable? NOBODY even wants to know me online. GOD! I must be even more disagreeable than I thought. Now I really know what people think of me, unbelievable! So, clearly she doesn't still "consider me an old friend". I just can't believe she blocked me, why? I was not stalking her or anything. I sent her ONE friend request and I half expected she might not accept it and that would have been fine, but to blocked me is overkill. I didn't want anything from her but friendship, she is married with children for god's sake. From what I could remember, she had very few posts publicly viewable. Mostly I think a few photos she has used as profile pictures or cover photos. So, why block me? Just to make sure I can't couldn't see a few photos of her? If so, what must she think of me? Is she a afraid I'm some creepy pervert or stalker who is going to "enjoy" the pictures of her? Is that what she has always thought of me? To my knowledge, I've never given her ANY cause to think that of me and I am really very insulted that she has blocked me. I very rarely get offended or insulted by anything, but I find her blocking me very rude and insulting.
I used to hold her up on such a high pedestal, as the type of woman, I'd like as a girlfriend/wife one day. I always thought she was so nice, kind, smart and beautiful. The nicest woman I'd ever met in fact. But isn't it amazing how just one small action can greatly lower your opinion of someone?
I keep trying to find things that may make me feel better, but it just blows up in my face and makes me feel worse.
Trying to contact my old college crush for hope didn't work, she doesn't want me to even contact her again and I tried adding my high school crush just to reminisce as friends and that didn't work. NOBODY wants to know me at all!
[UPDATE 18/02/2016]
I don't have much to say, this time, in fact, I nearly didn't add this entry as nothing new has happened. But I felt it worth it for two reasons. One I use this post almost as a personal diary to get things off my chest. I also often use Twitter in a similar manner and two because I want this blog post to show as much as possible the thought processes of someone who has suffered from depression most of their life.
I want to go back to the topic of my old college crush. Why when nothing has changed? Partly because it has confused me a little and partly because I've been thinking about it a lot and have come to the conclusion this is one of the most telling aspects of how someone with depression can think.
As I've mentioned above when I was feeling really bad in sep/oct of last year I tried contacting her on social media. First I got ignored and a normal person would have just given up, but I was desperate and acted such and sent more messages than you really should. I have never acted like that before and never will again. I am not normally that kind of person. I can't even begin to describe how I was feeling at that time. So, eventually, she sent me a message on Facebook to tell me not to message her again. There was a bit of a feeling of relief, as I'd finally got an answer but it didn't quite stop there. I finally had what amounted to a 'No never going to happen', but a depressed person's brain doesn't like accepting things like that so easily. I didn't become a crazed stalker and continue to message her non-stop, but once in a while I'd check to see if she had made any new posts on her social media pages and that should have been it, however, I noticed (or thought I noticed) that often after I had made a post about love or about her (never naming anyone) she made posts or shared quotes that seemed to be in response to what I had posted. This didn't just happen around the time I had contacted her in September, but even within the last few days.
I thought, at first, I must be jumping to conclusions and making everything about me, but it happened more and more and then after posting the update I made to this blog post page on the 15th February that basically said I'd given up on her she changed her cover photo on FB to a plain image that just says "K, bye". Can this really all just be a coincidence?
If not then I am really confused. She mostly ignores me and then tells me to basically leave her alone, yet she continues to view my social media accounts even months after I last contacted her. These are such mixed signals unless I'm completely wrong and I don't know if I am or not so there is nothing I can do. I can never contact her again as she asked me not to and if I'm wrong I put myself into stalker territory and may even scare her, so the day she asked me not to contact her she kind of tied my hands. What can I do? Not a lot. She must make a move if she has changed her mind, even if it is just following me on Twitter and not actually contacting me. I can't act till she does and I get the impression that even if she is interested she will not make a move herself. I just want to know for sure and if she is really interested I'd like to meet her one day and then we will both know if we like each other and if not we can mutually part ways and that will be that.
[UPDATE 21/02/2016]
It is now under two weeks until my 30th birthday and things are starting to prey on my mind. I as I know myself thought that around two weeks before I might start to feel very bad and it is about that. I just can't figure out what has happened to the wasted years. The arrogant part of me can't help but feel I was destined for something more. But if I was I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. If I had a future I don't now, I've missed my chance along the way.
I got nothing that I had wanted from life at all; Love, a wife, a job I enjoy, happiness. Nothing! I don't see that those things are going to come to me now, it's too late.
As for my charity fundraiser, it has stalled for a while now at 51%. However, some of my friends and family have asked me to extend the time a little for them. The last day for donations will be 10th March (not 4th), it will not be extended again. So, we'll have to wait and see.
[UPDATE 24/02/2016]
The closer I get to my birthday the worse I feel and the more I need something to give me hope. I was always a bit of a loner and for a long time, I didn't mind that, however now I don't want to be alone anymore. I want more friends and that ever, elusive girlfriend.
But I am so hated that people don't seem to even want to be a friend to me. I first reached out to the college crush to no avail and then to my former high school crush. Obviously, I didn't want anything more from the latter than friendship as she is married with children, but it would have been nice to have had her on Facebook as a friend and maybe to have caught-up. But as I've mentioned before she even blocked me (I only sent one request and no messages). The latest attempt I made was to once again not message but follow my college crush on Twitter. Hoping maybe she would, at least, follow me back as a sign. So far to no luck.
I am so mad at myself for doing this. I've never been like this with anyone else. I've always taken no for an answer. I just can't stop remembering the beautiful smile she would give me in college and thinking there was something more to it than just politeness. She had seemed so nice and I can't stop remembering the way her warm smile made me feel. I know that since I did and do like her I should take no for an answer and stop bugging her. It's not fair on her. So, I must stop.
I've recently written a blog post on Britain's EU referendum on 23rd June. That was a nice little detraction, but, of course, didn't last long. My fundraiser is at 53%.
[UPDATE 26/02/2016]
My birthday is in one week (next Friday) and my depression has just gotten really bad today. It's hard to describe quite how I feel. A mix of emotions; sadness, anger and worry. My cheeks are burning and I have that feeling of nervous butterflies in my stomach. I almost feel like someone I really care about has died, yet they haven't. It really is almost like badly mourning a loved one, it almost feels like grief.
I feel so bad and nobody understands quite how bad. No one understands what I am going through nor do I think they really care. Not family, not friends. I feel like I am adrift on an iceberg, all alone with no one to support me or truly care about me. I keep hoping for some kind of miracle to happen to make me feel better. But of course, nothing happens.
The person I kept hoping for has possibly made more hints, but only ones that look like they are hints that they are not interested. Since following her on Twitter, which was my final attempt at getting a response from her she has stopped adding tweets to her Twitter and changed her FB cover photo to a graffiti image saying 'pls do not urinate here'. So, I guess she now feels unable to use her Twitter account because of me. I really did go too far, didn't I. I am now completely without hope. People are never there when you need them, they will always disappoint you.
Nobody will ever know how bad I feel right now. In my head, I can't even imagine my birthday or any days thereafter. I am not being a drama queen like some people may think. It really feels unbelievably bad, almost like I'm screaming inside and I want to scream and shout externally, but what point would there be?
[UPDATE 02/03/2016]
Friday (the day after tomorrow) is my 30th birthday. What have I gotten from life? Nothing but misery. My family and I have lived in relative poverty, thanks to my father not being able to stop himself from spending every last penny our family ever had. I've had to deal with depression since I was about 11 and was so shy as a teenager I could hardly speak or look at anyone. By the time I grew out of that and was in college I had developed such a low self-esteem that if I had any chance of forming a relationship and getting a girlfriend I wouldn't have even noticed because I was so convinced that I was too repulsive for anyone to ever like me that I wouldn't have believed it. Don't have a job at the moment, not because I'm lazy and just don't want one but because I feel useless and incapable of doing anything. However, I really do want at least a part time job. I've now managed to pester someone into being unable to use their Twitter account (see update above). Through either my shyness or low self-esteem I've pushed everyone away and now have no one, few friends and no girlfriend. I have no quality of life left. I'm only alive because I continue to breathe.
[UPDATE 04/03/2016]
It was finally my 30th birthday today. I actually didn't feel too bad. I have been feeling a little better since taking the iron. Of course the iron deficiency didn't cause the depression, I had the depression already and probably always will have it. But I think being extremely fatigued from low iron in my blood did make me feel a lot worse.
To be very honest leading up to today, I thought I couldn't face it and thought about running away and killing myself and I think something like that might have happened had taking iron not have helped, by taking the edge off and giving me an energy boost. But this has at least proven to me that I will never commit suicide, it would have happen now if it was ever going to.
Today has really opened my eyes, I feel different. I've let go of a lot of baggage. The past is the past. I've had a rough life, but all of that is behind me now.
As for relationships, I still want more close friends and, of course, I still want a girlfriend and maybe one day even a wife. I feel very guilty about the way I treated my college crush. Maybe in college, she did really like me and maybe I hurt her feelings by my actions such as unfriending her on Facebook. In which case should she ever read this I apologise, that was never my intent, or perhaps she was just never interested in me in which case I should have taken no for an answer and left her alone. It was love at first sight. I really believe that I loved her and I think I still do, that is why I can't get her out of my head. but still all I wanted was to be her friend (not necessarily even date) as she seemed so nice and I still care about her. But for whichever reason she doesn't want to know me and I should have listened and now she feels unable to use her Twitter account as I wouldn't stop bothering her, for that too I apologise. I really am sorry for the way I treated her and I promise this time I will never again contact her, send her a friend request on FB or follow her on twitter. She really has heard the last of me. I hold no grudge toward her, I am not bitter at all and I really do which her the best.
Even though I've felt not too bad today it has made me regret even more not having many friends and being a bit of a loner, as because of being a loner all my 30th was, was a normal day in with the family, just with a takeaway and birthday cake. A normal person would have gone out and celebrated with friends, but no not me.
However, it was an ok birthday and I didn't feel too bad.
My fundraiser is at 58%, the very final day for donations is 10th March, as some people asked me to extend it a little. But it will not be extended again.
[UPDATE 10/03/2016]
My fundraiser ends at about midnight tonight. It has made 100% (£100.15, + £16.05 Gift Aid) of my minimum goal of £100. I am really glad, as I felt this would be another thing for me to fail at. But for once I didn't fail. The annoying this is, people don't think I did this for the right reason. I did the fundraiser because I was feeling depressed about my 30th and wanted some good to have come out of it. So, I decide to fundraise for charity. But I have even just had my brother sarcastically say to me "Did you get any girls from doing your fundraiser yet?". Because he (and I think my Mum) thinks I only did it to impress women. Why can people never believe that I have done something for the right reason?
Speaking of women, as I've managed to pester my college crush into not being able to use her Twitter [see update 26/02/2016] I have not even looked at her Facebook or Twitter since and I will not again, I feel so guilty about having done that. It will not be easy as I really think I did love her and I really wanted to, at least, be her friend and a part of me even wants to try to contact her again, but that would be really wrong as she asked me in September to never contact her again so my hands are tied unless I don't want to respect her wishes, and I have tried recently to follow her on Twitter, but as mentioned above that just made her stop using Twitter altogether.
What frustrates me when thinking about being single is when I watch things like The Jeremy Kyle Show and I see how badly many men treat their girlfriends and I know I wouldn't do that. This might sound arrogant, but I think I would be a good boyfriend. I would NEVER cheat on her or beat her or any of the other terrible things men often do. Yes, I might not yet have a job or money, but at least, I'd treat her really well. How does such scum get a girlfriend and I can not? Am I really that terrible?
[UPDATE 15/03/2016]
Just a small update to say that not much has changed since my birthday except that I've kept my word and have not even looked at the social media pages of my college crush nor have I followed her on Twitter or contacted her or anything. Of course, I still think about her all the time and wish she would, at least, be my friend and it is hard for me to resist the urge to look at her pages. But I realised on my birthday that she really is never going to want to know, if she was going to it would have happened by now. In Sep and Oct last year I was badly depressed to the pointed of being suicidal and crying myself to sleep a couple of times, then this happened again Jan and still nothing from her and if she was possibly interested in me more than just being a friend there was also Valentine's Day, but nothing. I was also getting depressed about my 30th birthday, still nothing from her, not before nor on the day. I tried to contact her or get her attention for six months. So, I honestly think something would have happened on one of those occasions if it ever was going to and if you like or care about someone you are there for them. You don't ignore them when they are badly depressed or even suicidal. The fact that she wouldn't help me when I was going through that should have opened my eyes sooner to the fact that she doesn't care about me.
The one thing I really wish is that she would have at least made her relationship status on Facebook publicly visible then maybe I could have seen she had a boyfriend and put my mind at rest a little. Because then I would understand why she may have felt unable to add me as a friend. Although that would still not excuse her ignoring me when I was very depressed.
I haven't been as extremely depressed since taking the iron, but I'm still not great. I also feel so frustrated will my life. Nothing I want to do comes off. I do want a job, but when I look for one I feel so worthless and incapable, that every job I look at I think I can't do.
I love photography but also video editing and filmmaking. So, I've written five scripts for short films, just to make as a hobby. I have a camera and equipment and can film it myself, I just need a couple of people to act in them. But all of my "friends" that live close are always too busy and I've been trying since late 2014.
Why am I so irrelevant that people either don't want to me my friend and ignore me or if they are so called my "friend" already they don't want anything to do with me?
[UPDATE 01/04/2016]
Not much to say other than I finally posted on social media to say that I have Asperger's syndrome, which I was diagnosed with at the age of 13. It is a high-functioning form of autism. It doesn't make me stupid, although I feel stupid most of the time. Many people with AS tend to be very smart. A LOT of famous people have had AS such as Henry Ford, Mark Twain, Thomas Edison, Beethoven, Mozart, George Orwell, Dan Aykroyd, Thomas Jefferson, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein and even Jane Austen. Which is actually very depressing as they all made something of there lives and I never have.
This is not something I normally tell people about as I am very ashamed of it, I feel it makes me a dumb freak. However I got fed up of never saying it and decided to post about it at long last. Mentioning it will probably ruin any chance I ever had with the opposite sex, but so be it.
Speaking of the opposite sex, I have been very good and only relapsed once and looked at the profile pages of the girl from college.
I know I shouldn't have done it, but I even liked one of her photos on Instagram as it was the most beautiful picture I'd seem of her and lots of other people had, so what was the harm? But of course that too did not trigger any kind of response from her. It really is a lost cause. I will try and not relapse again, I'll try to never look at her pages again.
[UPDATE 10/04/2016]
It was my brother's 25th birthday on the 8th, I got him the GTA Trilogy on PS4. I'm still feeling better since taking the iron.
I just don't know why I keep following my heart and not my head. My head keeps telling me she is not and never was interested in me, I even now suspect that she may have a boyfriend and of course my brain is right. But my heart keeps telling me I just need to keep trying and be patient and she will interact with me, my heart keeps telling me she doesn't have a boyfriend even though I think she does really. So, I liked two of her pictures on Instagram which I mention before plus I commented on them, on one I said "A perfect smile. I can see why this photo has so many likes. Well done. " and on the other I put "WOW! Beautiful ". I also liked a photo she posted on Instagram of a monkey at Longleat Safari Park as I use to go there a lot as a child. As usual, I got no response from her at all. I just don't understand why she can't, at least, change her relationship status on Facebook from private to public so I could see for sure she is in a relationship and that might help put my mind at rest. I'm starting to think a family member was right, they said back when I was still in college with her that she wasn't interested in me she just liked the attention and enjoyed having me wrapped around her little finger. Maybe that is why she will not make her relationship status public. She doesn't want me to give up completely. She wants the attention and maybe she wants to keep me in reserve as a backup in case she wants me one day. Well, even I deserve better than that, I don't want to ever be someone's second choice. I want to be someone's first and only choice. I will not take a ticket and wait in line.
Some of the things she was posting before were clearly about me, it wasn't just my imagination. Once after I said I'd given up on her, she posted an image saying "k, bye" and one time on Instagram she posted a quote that begun with a heading of 'Will'. Of course, the hints/responses have stopped since I post on my social media accounts that I have autism.
I've started using an app on iPad that is also available on iPhone and Android by Nintendo called Miitomo which is free and is like a 3D social media app, it is almost like a 3D Twitter. You can actually learn a lot about your friends using it as you answer questions such as 'what is your favourite colour?' and your friends can see how you replied. I posted the QR code that you can scan from within the app to add a friend on Facebook and Twitter but she didn't add me with that either.
I really am starting to think she only ever wanted to have me in reserve as a backup and now I've said on twitter that I have autism she doesn't even want that and I would have settled for just being her friend.
My fundraiser finally ended having made a total of £116 including gift aid.
So, I’ll try to keep this blog post updated from time to time with any further developments. Thanks for reading, I hope this post helps anyone else in similar circumstances.
My fundraising page: Link
NHS On Depression: Link
MIND Mental Health Charity: Link
Digital Spy on Michelle Ryan's Depression: Link
BBC backs troubled EastEnders' star: Link
Mental Health Daily on Owen Wilson’s Suicide Attempt: Link
blog comments powered by Disqus